“Push Out Baby. Get Present.”

Re-posted from DEAR #$&!% BABY, because I couldn’t have said it better myself:

“Push Presents” – both the term and the actual gifting – crack my shit up. Unfamiliar with this practice? Let me fill you in. Typically in Push Present Scenarios, Husband buys Wife a gift for birthing their child. FOR BIRTHING THEIR %^&#@! CHILD.

If a he doesn’t produce a present, will the mom-to-be clench up and hold the baby in until he buys her a treat?! I would certainly hope not, but some women are %!#$%ing determined. And what if the woman ends up having a c-section? Does he get to take the push present back because, well, she doesn’t deserve it since she didn’t actually push?

The baby and not being pregnant any longer and the upcoming opportunity to explore non-maternity clothing and beer should be the gift. THE NEW BABY SHOULD BE YOUR PUSH PRESENT. And beer. Beer helps with breastfeeding. And it’s delicious. Count that as a bonus present. With a giant entree of YOU JUST HAD A BABY.

It’s the entitlement of some women that just gets me. The expectation that she deserves presents upon delivery. That because SHE carried this baby around for nine months and SHE had to deal with all the symptoms and pain and SHE had to push it out of HER body that SHE should get a %^!$! present. Umm, hate to break it to you honey, but that’s what your body was sort of designed to do and women worldwide have lived to tell the tale for eons without a new pair of diamond earrings. Also, judging by your entitlement, I bet YOUR husband had to put up with YOUR shit and YOUR whining and YOUR bitching and if anyone deserves a present it’s HIM. YOU probably deserve a punch in the face.

And it isn’t just little things desired as push presents, like a knick knack with baby’s monogram or a little bauble with the kid’s birthstone. Nope. It’s EPIC THINGS. Diamond studs, new wedding ring settings, tennis bracelets, designer bags, etc. Usually nothing relevant to the baby at all. This is all about Mom’s Journey into Motherhood and the Expensive Gift to Represent It. Seriously. WTF.

I feel sorry for the child who will have to grow up in that type of entitled atmosphere. Except they won’t even notice because those raised in that environment tend to be of the “Special Snowflake” variety who cry if they don’t get a trophy for coming in last. BUT THAT’S A WHOLE OTHER POST.

Will I turn down a present if presented upon presentation of Little A? No. Of course not. I’m not an idiot. I like presents. But am I expecting one? Aside from the bedside post-delivery Manhattan, not at all. I can’t even be facetious and make up a wish list to post here. That’s how dumb I think this new “tradition” really is.

Although I have wanted an emerald cut diamond solitaire pendant for about ten years…

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